5 Hidden Truths About People Pleasing

People pleasing is not an inherent personality trait or genetic predisposition but rather an adaptive survival strategy developed in childhood, often in response to a complex and challenging relationship with one’s mother. When natural curiosity and self-expression are repeatedly suppressed, they become redirected toward appeasing others. This blog post explores five hidden truths about people pleasing and how its coming from the mother wound, revealing its deep-rooted connection to shame, the saviour complex and self-sabotage. Understanding these hidden dynamics can be the first step toward reclaiming your authentic self.

There are 5 hidden truths about people pleasing which can make a huge impact on your mother wound healing journey, whether you have some light tendencies for people pleasing or it’s a dominant aspect indoor personality:

1. People Pleasing as an Adaptive Survival Strategies

People pleasing is not a personality type or a genetic inheritance. Everyone is born with curiosity and an appetite to explore the world and our capacity. If these natural instincts get repeatedly overwritten, they eventually shut down—but not without a fight.

Instead of begin curious about the things that naturally attracts us we become curious about what will appease and pacify others. This adaption of curiosity and self-expression often begins in the relationship with our mother.

If you didn’t feel safe to be yourself in the relationship with your mother, you likely learned how to be agreeable with her. This process involves letting go of personal boundaries, internalising a belief that you don’t matter, disguising your true self — all to avoid being rejected, abandoned or perhaps neglected or abused by your mother.

The good news is that these strategies can be changed!

You learned to be a people pleaser in a certain environment and as you grow into adulthood you can learn how to feel safe to be yourself by processing childhood trauma.

2. Shame Driven

Shame is an immediate response to incidents where our needs, behaviours or feelings are rejected. If those moments are not followed by a repair we internalise the shame and develop the belief that we are wrong.

Shame can be incredibly difficult to bare, leading us to develop coping mechanisms to mask it—people pleasing is one of them.

It stems from a survival assumption that stipulates ‘If what I did was unacceptable, I can make myself acceptable by following other’s cues.'

In the connection with our mother, we often experience shame as an organic process of developing. But shame without repair gets into a spiral, such as when a mother is emotionally absent, volatile or explosive, abusive or neglectful, harsh and rigid. Then shame can transform us to people pleasers.

Shame is the most hidden aspect of the mother wound and least spoken of in relation to people pleasing. Disentangling from shame includes support for creating the building blocks of what you missed in childhood

3. The saviour complex (not just a big heart)

A common misconception is that people pleasing originates from having a big heart.

While it’s most probably true that people pleasers are highly empathetic, their generous heart is not the root cause of people pleasing.

Just having a big heart is not a prescription for being complacent as a default.

But having a big heart creates a hunger for love which seeks soothing that can come from helping others.

The saviour complex develops from the belief—formed in a dysfunctional early relationship with one’s mother—that it's your responsibility to take care of others, fix other's problems, and ensure relational stability, even when unasked.

For sensitive women, saving their mother from herself, her struggles, or external difficulties can feel like an essential task. As an adaptive survival strategy, this develops in a young mind as: “If I agree with my mother, comply with her needs, and conform to her worldview, I will save her. And if I save her, I will save myself.”

When you disentangle from the saviour complex you find healthier and more satisfying relationships and release your caring heart from being coerced and manipulated.

4. Self-Sabotage

When a mother doesn’t provide reliable guidance, safety and nourishment the young daughter’s system perceives that as dangerous. Sometimes it leads to the belief that you don’t matter or that you’re not wanted in this world. Therefore it’s best if you didn’t exist.

The lingering shadow of feeling unwanted can be dark and heavy and often leads to some from of self-annihilation. At one end of the spectrum of self-annihilation this can take the shape of people pleasing tendencies, while at the more extreme end it can develop into conditions such as anorexia, bulimia or self-harming.

Healing from people pleasing in this case starts from creating a robust inner sense of safety.

5. Healing is through connection

While setting boundaries is often emphasised as a way to counteract people pleasing, it can inadvertently reinforce the idea that it is solely your responsibility to change, leading so a sense of overwhelming or burden.

People pleasing—as an adaptive survival strategy that is driven by shame and intertwined with the saviour complex and self-sabotage—is best unlearned in a safe, accepting and protective relationship with a skilled person who’s capable of recognising moments where you’d be sliding into familiar habits of people pleasing, and provide ongoing encouragement and guidance to step into your full, authentic self.

Because people pleasing is a relational trauma response, healthy connection is far more important than isolated self-development. Reciprocity matters more than self-reliance, and consistently receiving love and reassurance from another person that can acceot you just teh way yuo are is one of the most powerful paths to healing.

People pleasing is not an innate trait but an adaptive survival strategy shaped by early experiences, particularly within the mother-child relationship. Whether it arises from shame, the savior complex, or self-sabotage, these behaviours are learned as coping mechanisms to navigate unsafe emotional terrain. However, just as they were learned, they can also be unlearned. Healing happens through connection. By recognising these patterns, seeking support, and allowing safe relationships to guide the way, women can break free from people-pleasing tendencies and step into their true, unburdened selves.

If you're looking to connect with a trauma trained, mother wound specialist therapist to heal from people pleasing, I can help. Click the button below to schedule a free call to explore how this could work for you:

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Shelly's helping women who've had a complex relationship with their mother and want to unplack the way it impacts their current life challanges so they can become unlimited personally & professionally